


The Angel's Lament

by OnEaglesWings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Cute, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Fallen Angel, Fast Build, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Gay Panic, Hunting, M/M, No Smut, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sad Castiel/Dean Winchester, Tumblr work, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, canon destiel, djinn, djinn spell, minor character death-resolved, sexual denial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 12:50:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3488900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnEaglesWings/pseuds/OnEaglesWings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>BASED ON A TUMBLR POST BY yamiaki96fanfic</p>
<p>“So what was it like?”</p>
<p>	Sam ripped his eyes away from the sunset to look at his older brother. “What was what like?”</p>
<p>	Dean shrugged. “Angel boy’s paradise. If I remember the djinn correctly, everyone’s is different.”</p>
<p>	Sam nodded and was quiet for a moment. Dean looked over at him expectantly. “It was, uh, unexpected.” </p>
<p>	His eyebrows went up. “Unexpected? What was it like an orgy or something? I thought it’d be Heaven’s battleground shoving a knife into Michael’s stupid face.”</p>
<p>	Sam blinked a few times. “No…actually it was pretty simple. More domestic then I thought it would be.”</p>
<p>	Dean rolled his eyes. “Details, little brother.”</p>
<p>	“It was him…but he was in love.”</p>
<p>One-shot where newly-human Castiel is taken by a djinn. Sam goes into his 'perfect paradise' to try and get him out...and is shocked at what he finds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Angel's Lament

“Remember what we said, Cas. Keep your head low, clutch the knife in your right hand, and yell if you see any flashing blue, alright?” Dean clutched his shoulder. “Tell me you’re not going to fuck this up.”

Cas glared, puffing out his chest to feign superiority. “I was once an angel, Dean, I’ve fought more wars then you can imagine. I could take on a hundred djinns if I had to.”

Sam shook his head. “Cas you may have been an angel once, but you’re human now. You have to start looking out for yourself more.” He gave Castiel a sympathetic look.

“Yeah, we aren’t always going to be here to protect your baby-ass, so you’re going to have to learn how. Am I clear?” Dean narrowed his green eyes.

Cas’ face crumbled and Sam felt his heart pang for the fallen angel. “Yes, Dean. It’s crystal clear.” 

The truth in it was that this was a dangerous hunt. They had been tracking this djinn for about three weeks now. They had picked up the case months ago but that was before the fall and they had spent a lot of time orienting Cas into his new human way of life. This was his first hunt as a human and Dean was obviously nervous. Sam had suggested they bring him along because seeing how Castiel skulked around the bunker was making him feel depressed. The guy had been God once for crying out loud.

Dean had vehemently opposed bringing him along. “Damnit, Sammy, the guy doesn’t even know how to make toast, he’s only going to be a liability.”

At Sam’s instance, of course, Dean caved and they make their way up to Chicago where it was apparently residing. It had taken the longer then normal, but here they were, outside its supposed lair, brandishing three silver knives dipped in fresh lamb’s blood. Sam tried not to notice that Cas’ hands were shaking. 

They crept through the warehouse, senses alert. Cas pulled his coat tighter around his shivering body. He wasn’t used to feeling the temperatures around him. Usually he just felt numb to the switching of seasons but…it was winter soon and he was too embarrassed to ask Dean for new clothes. The suit coat and white button up were beginning to feel like prisons instead of the home he used to know.

The Winchesters made some hand signals that Cas didn’t understand to each other. He stood by awkwardly as they made their plans without saying a word. Finally, Dean looked up and rolled his eyes, irritated at this sudden change of pace. Cas just wanted to be good in his eyes again.

“Cas, just stick with Sam, alright? I don’t want to be responsible if you accidentally stab an innocent kid.” Cas hung his heads at Dean’s words, following Sam without a second glance towards the older Winchester.

When he was an angel, he had once thought that there was something there between him and Dean. Sure, there was the comradery that came with stopping the end of the world, but Castiel had seen the way the man’s eyes flickered over his vessel’s body. His eyes lingered for seconds to long, when they touched it was a strange sensation that Castiel had never known. When the boys had found him after the fall, Dean had showered with him, cleaning off the blood and dirt until he felt like himself again.

Then, slowly, things began to change. Castiel began to feel dependent and confused. His entire life had been flipped upside down in a way that Dean couldn’t understand. How could he? He had never had unlimited power ripped from his throat. Cas had taken to silence and locking himself in his new room, down the hall from the boy’s. He stared at the brown stone walls, hoping to make sense of all this…newness. So far, he had come up short.

The younger man glanced over his shoulder. Cas was playing with the hem of his coat, looking around nervously. Sam worried his lip between his teeth.

“Look, Cas, you know that Dean doesn’t mean any of what he’s saying, right? My brother…he’s just worried for you.” He looked back up front. 

“I know that, Sam.”

Sam shook his head, turning left down another dark passageway. “I don’t think you do. Cas, when we found you…it was gut wrenching. I mean, you were torn apart, all bloody and broken, in the middle of a field. And there were lights falling all around you…Dean and I nearly turn tail and fled. He insisted we drag you to a hospital. The doctors didn’t know what to make of it…none of us did. You’re lucky to be alive.”

Castiel didn’t answer.

“And Dean, he doesn’t take well to change. He just isn’t used to seeing you in this light. You’re very important to us and I know that-“ Sam turned around. Cas was gone.

“Shit.” He took off down the hallway behind him, looking in every room for the angel. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

He sprinted through the dank and musty storerooms, searching out any sign of life. He nearly crashed head on into Dean. The other brother stepped back in surprise. He looked behind Sam, his face going sour.

“Where the hell is Cas?”

Sam took in a deep breath. “I don’t know. He was following me then I turned around and he wasn’t there. I swear he was right behind-“

They were interrupted by a huge crashing sound coming from a few rooms away. The boys looked at each other and Dean cursed, taking off in that direction. They matched their speeds as the thuds continued, echoing through the depot and clanging off the walls.

“CASTIEL!” Dean yelled as they skidded to a halt in front of the doors. Sam stilled, his mouth falling open. Cas was standing there over a woman’s body, her skin glowing blue. There was a knife lodged deep in her heart as her breathing slowed to a stop.

“Holy fuck.” Dean’s eyes were wide.

“I assume this is the djinn then.” Cas looked between them. His face was hard and serious but there was a hint of unmasked pride. Sam smiled at him.

“Yeah, this is the fucker. Come on, the job’s done. We have to find the victims. This bitch probably has one or two of them strung up somewhere.”

An hour later they were cutting down people and waking them up. Sam had been wrong, there had been eight or nine people tied to a pole in the basement. Five of them were too far gone, but a few had woken up. Their lips were discolored and they couldn’t speak coherently, but Sam got some food in them and Castiel took them out to the Impala.

“You know what I don’t understand.” Dean said, packing up an IV full of medicine.

Sam looked over at him. Cas was coming back down the stairs, his shoes making a clacking noise against the metal rail. “What?”

“The people that we interviewed, they all specified that it was a man who took their relatives.” Sam nodded, his skin slowly growing cold. “They were almost positive but…”

“The djinn Cas killed. That was a woman.” Sam finished. “One djinn wouldn’t need all this blood. But two…”

“Two djinns could easily have a feast on these people. But we’ve been here for hours. Don’t you think if he was to make an attack he’d have done it by now?”

Sam swallowed. The air was so still and…silent. 

“Unless he wasn’t after us.” He turned, peering up the stairs. “Dean. Castiel isn’t there anymore.”

Dean shook his head. “That’s impossible, I heard him coming down the stairs just a second ago.”

Sam turned back. There was panic laced in his brother’s eyes.

“He’s gone.”

****

“Son of a BITCH!” Dean kicked the metal chair over and it landed with a bang. It had taken them three hours to find Cas. He was slumped over on the ground, blood dribbling from his mouth, completely under the djinn’s spell. The creature, on the other hand, had taken his revenge and then made a break for it.

“He could be all the way in fucking Texas by now. And we’ve got one comatose ex-angel on our hands. Great, this is fucking great.” Sam steadied himself against the wall. He was achingly tired.

“Dean, relax. We have some African Dream-root in the car. All we have to do is go in and convince him it’s fake.”

Dean spun around. “I TOLD you, Sam. I told you he was too weak and irresponsible to come on a hunt. I told you he would fuck up!”

Sam lifted his hands in defense. “Yeah, you told me. Good for you. C’mon, man, are we really going to argue about this or are we going to get to business, Castiel is weak, he probably doesn’t have that much time before he starts to deteriorate. Do you need me to get it or can you?”

Dean sighed, exasperated. “No, I can. Just stay here and make sure he doesn’t bleed on himself too much.” He walked out of the room, muttering curse words under his breath.

Twenty minutes later, the pair had concocted enough potion for one swallow. Dean offered to take it but Sam shook his head.

“Why not?”

“You’ll probably kill the poor guy before he even gets out of his dream world. Face it; you can never control your temper when it comes to him. Give it here.” He took it out of Dean’s hands and gulped it down, flinching at the burnt rubber taste.

Dean sighed, leaning Sam against the wall as he began to fall unconscious. “Good luck, Sammy.”

****

Sam woke up in the middle of the road. It was a strange street, lined with small, simple houses. Very cookie-cutter, the sky was periwinkle blue and the grass was candy apple green. Even the colors on his plaid shirt stood out. He looked left and right, settling on the house that had the 1967 Chevrolet Impala in the driveway. As he looked around he only became more confused. He had expected Castiel’s ideal reality to be Heaven. Or at least somewhere that wasn’t so…human.

Taking the white steps two at a time, he crossed the pristine threshold and knocked on the maroon wooden door. There was music coming from inside. Sam only had to wait a minute or so before the door swung open and revealed Dean. He was dressed in his hunting boots and blue jeans, a soft grey T-shirt, and his amulet that had long since disappeared was hanging around his neck.

“Sammy! Come on it, I’m so glad you could make it.” This Dean ushered him inside. The house smelled like apple pie and vanilla. There were candles burning on the tables, their wax being captured by small glass dishes. There was a small record player in the corner, emanating a sweet, soft song that Sam almost instantly recognized.

_“…Stars shining bright above you…night breezes seem to whisper ‘I love you’…bird singing in the sycamore trees…dream a little dream of me…”_

Sam looked down the cream colored hallway. There were pictures on the walls. The three of them standing on top of a mountain, decked out in hiking gear, their grins shining as they lifted their hands in triumph. Dean and Cas on the beach, laughing at something behind the camera. The two of them on the couch…kissing…holding hands like it was totally normal.

_“…Say nighty-night and kiss me…just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me…when I’m alone and blue as can be…dream a little dream of me…”_

“Cas!” Dean called, walking ahead of Sam down the hallway. “Baby, Sammy’s here!” Sam followed him into a living room. There was a nice leather couch and a TV on a stand across from it. A small dining table complete with two identical chairs was shoved into the corner. On one of them was Cas. 

But it wasn’t the Castiel Sam knew because his skin was full of color and his eyes glittered beautiful shades of blue. Lately they had almost turned grey with the weight of all that sadness in him.

_“…Stars fading but I linger on dear…still craving your kiss…I’m longing to linger till dawn dear…just sayin’ this…”_

Cas stood, a smile breaking out over his face. “Sam, it’s good to see you. Dean’s been talking about you coming for days. Chicago just isn’t the same without both Winchesters in it.”

Sam raised his eyebrows. “Chicago…?”

Dean stepped in, nodding his head, a dreamy look on his face. “Best city in the world.” He stepped around Cas, picking up some books on the table and tossing them to the corner of the room.

Cas watched his movements, his eyes shiny. “Dean, can you turn the music down? I’m sure Sam doesn’t want to hear your droning melodies all afternoon.”

Dean turned with a faux offended look on his face. He stepped closer to Cas, pulling him by the waist till they were flush against each other. Sam gawked as Dean swept them around the room. He had never seen his brother dance before. On the other hand, Sam had never seen his brother this happy…ever.

Dean sang quietly along with the song, something he hadn’t done in years. “…Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you…sweet dreams that’ll leave all worries behind you…but in dreams whatever they be…dream a little dream of me…” He grinned and leaned down to kiss Castiel full on the mouth. Cas allowed it for a second before pushing him back.

“I have to go finish dinner. You two make yourselves comfortable. Sam, I hope you like hamburgers, its pretty much all I can make.” Sam nodded, still too awestruck to respond.

This was…heaven for Cas? Making dinner for Dean in Chicago? It was living out of a cereal box, simple and sweet. Sam had always thought Castiel longed to be on the battlefield but…maybe he just wanted normal.

“Sam.” Dean whispered. Sam leaned towards him. Dean looked just as different as Castiel did. The worry lines and scars that were constantly marring his face were gone and in their place his cheeks were flushed and smooth, no stubble. He looked younger then he had in years, all tiredness swept away from his pretty eyes. His lips weren’t split or chapped; they were normal and full, stretched out in a smile across perfect white teeth. Sam had never seen his brother like this.

“Isn’t he adorable? He was just as excited to see you as I was.” Dean stretched out on the couch and none of his joints popped or protested. He was so relaxed. “I swear, he can get wound up so tight I’m afraid he’ll break. It was nice of you to come for this though, Sam, I mean that. I know Cas isn’t really part of our family yet but after everything that we gave up…I think he deserves to have this.”

Sam stuttered. “Yeah…I, uh, I’m totally jetlagged from the ride here. Could you, maybe just…run this whole thing by me again?”

Dean glared at him. “Sam, come on, I know you’ve been locked in the bunker reading your stupid law books ever since we gave up hunting but you need to stay at least relatively sharp.” He leaned in, his voice in a whisper. “It’s the anniversary of Gabriel’s death. Castiel asked if we could maybe just have some, uh, family time today. Nothing special really, you know he isn’t that kind of guy, but he does need us. And we aren’t going to let him down. Right?” Dean had certain fierceness in his eyes when he talked about Cas, it was awesome and strange all at once.

Sam’s eyes widened. Dean just nodded and went back to flipping through channels, letting his little brother wander the small house. It was two stories, with a small, clean kitchen, a bathroom, the joint living room and dining room, and a small guest bedroom tucked in next to the screened porch. The second floor held a more spacious bedroom with high ceilings and a huge king bed that was made out of memory foam, probably Dean’s idea. The bathroom was full of shaving creams and toothpaste tubes and all different odds and ends. In the back behind the bedroom was an office. Sam walked in and shut the door.

It wasn’t a particularly large room, but it was full to the brim with all kinds of books. Most of them were Bobby’s old ones, full of lore and spells, but there were others too. Law books and books on psychology and about a hundred different Bibles adorned one shelf. On the large mahogany desk there sat three textbooks on angels and the theory of relativity. Sam ran his hands over the hard covers. They weren’t organized but it was still nicer then the library at the bunker. This one actually felt like home.

Throughout the house, Sam had also noticed an abundance of pictures in various types of frames. They were of all different things, sometimes it was the three of them, sometimes it was just Dean and Cas. Apparently with all the extra time they had gained from quitting hunting, the two lovers had done…just about everything. Skydiving, hiking, travelling the world. There were so many pictures that captured an indescribable amount of memories that Sam had never experienced. He ran his hands over his own profile in one of the three of them in a pub, drinking Lagers out of tall frosty glasses. How did Castiel even know enough to conjure this place up?

“SAM, DINNER IS READY!” Sam turned at Dean’s scream.

He heard Cas scoff in reply. “Dean, Jesus Christ, his ears work just fine you don’t have to-s’mph.” The rest of his sentence was cut off and replaced by kissing noises. Sam winced and left the office door open behind him.

Dinner, as it turned out, was surprisingly fun. Sam listened to Cas and this Dean talk about their adventures since they had stopped hunting. It seemed that after the fall Dean had quit everything for Cas and in doing so he had realized that he had loved the ex-angel and wanted to be with him.

Now, Sam was no fool. Even outside of this dream world, he knew that Dean was in love with Castiel. It was in every movement his brother made around the angel, all the steps he took to keep him out of harm’s way. He saw it before the fall, in the flash of hope in his green eyes when he prayed and the dullness that took them when his prayers had gone unanswered. He had figured it out around the time Dean had gotten out of Purgatory. He hadn’t been the same when Cas wasn’t around. He was more reserved, quieter, and when the angel had reappeared it only became clearer. Dean’s fingers always twitched when Cas’ collar was messed up, he made sure to glance over when the angel wasn’t looking, running his eyes over the other man’s delicate features. Sam had seen that watchfulness before, that special laugh, those reserved movements. It was how he used to move around Jess.

He had never even imagined Castiel felt the same way. Granted, he didn’t think Cas had any sexual orientation at all, let alone that he was gay. But listening to the two of them speak, hands interlaced on the table, eyes shining like they shared a secret, Sam almost forgot that it was all pretend. It looked so natural, so easy. He was shocked he hadn’t seen it before.

After they had finished eating, Dean left to go run some errands.

“You’ll keep him company, right?” Genuine worry flashed in Dean’s eyes. “He’s been a bit off these past few days.” Sam promised to be there for him and watched Dean leave in the Impala. There was a pit in his stomach at what he had to do next.

Cas was in the kitchen, washing dishes, humming slightly along to the radio on the counter. Sam swallowed hard and leaned against the opposite wall.

“Castiel?” Cas jumped slightly, turning with a small smile.

“Hey, Sam. What can I do for you?” He turned around, continued washing his dishes. Sam watched his hands move. They were shaking slightly. He knew.

“Cas…I have something that I need to tell you.”

Cas shoulders stiffened. “What’s that?”

Sam worried his lip between his teeth. He expected anger, disbelief, and hatred. “None of this is real. This whole situation is inside your head.” The room fell into silence for a full minute.

The dish slipped from Cas’ hands and fell into the basin of soapy water. Sam heard it crack. Cas turned slowly, a sad smile on his face. “I know.”

“Wait, you know? You’re aware of the danger you put yourself in?”

Cas gripped the counter till his knuckles turned white, his head bowed. He looked helpless. He continued on, as if he hadn’t heard Sam’s question.

“The second you saw Dean kiss me…I figured it out. You’re the real-world Sam. You don’t belong here.” He turned and Sam was shocked at the hardness of his blue eyes.

“Neither do you! Cas, you’re dying out there. Your brain is hemorrhaging blood faster every minute. You have to wake up as soon as possible. We can’t help you if you’re trapped here.”

Cas shook his head. “I don’t want to leave.”

Sam’s eyes widened his mouth opening and closing a few times before he could form the right words. “I know that this seems like paradise but…but there’s a real Dean Winchester out there who needs and loves you. You can’t give up on him.”

Cas’ eyes turned murderous. “I NEVER gave up on Dean, Sam. Never. But he has given up on ME. I can see it in the ways he looks at me, I am useless out there. I can’t hunt or even take care of myself but I’ve been in this…this world for only three days and I’ve learned how to cook, how to organize, how to have sex, and many, many other things. What do I have out there that is better then what’s in here?”

Sam sighed, exasperated, choosing to ignore the fact that Cas was having imaginary sex with his older brother. “Just listen to yourself. You know this is wrong. You can’t possibly-“

“I WANT TO STAY, SAM.” Cas shouted, echoing off the walls. He took a breath, his voice calming. “I don’t care that it’s not real. Can’t you see? He will never love me like this out there. Dean hates Chicago and dancing and hamburgers that don’t come wrapped in plastic. He doesn’t want this kind of life but I do and this has given me a chance at it.” He frowned. “You’re asking me to kill myself, aren’t you? I mean, that’s how you leave these things. You die in a dream, you wake up.”

Sam held his hands up. “Castiel, you’re family. And we need you topside. Dean couldn’t handle burying you without saying goodbye.”

“But you wouldn’t bury me. You would burn…well; you’d be burning Jimmy Novak. I was never a part of this vessel besides the grace. Now I just inhabit it.”

Sam held Castiel’s stare, listening to him talk. His hand slipped behind him, reaching for the knife that lay on the counter. Castiel turned back to the sink. Sam felt the rubber hilt of the carving knife.

“You two can go out hunting more. The bunker will be free of pests, and you won’t have to worry about coming home and finding me with my wrists slit in the bathtub. I heard you, you know, when you and Dean talked about that. That’s the reason you took me hunting. You called me depressed but-“Sam advanced towards him, knife raised. His heart was heavy with guilt. “I am not depressed. Not here. Not when I have someone to take care of, to shelter and guide”

Cas stilled and Sam felt panic rise in his throat. “I…I don’t know if you’re right. I want to stay, I’m happy here, but it isn’t just. I don’t know what to do.” His voice was raw with honesty.

Sam raised the knife, pointing it over Cas back. In one swift motion, he bought his hand down. Before it could pierce Castiel’s shirt, a strong hand wrapped around his wrist and drove him backwards into the wall. Dean’s face filled up his vision, slamming his head and making his vision spin.

“What the HELL, Sam?” Dean shoved him again, pinning him there. Castiel cried out but Dean just snarled and bared his teeth.

“Dean, stop, please!” Cas pulled at the back of Dean’s shirt but it was futile. Dean slammed his fist into Sam’s nose and reared back, driving on him again and again till Sam was nearly unconscious. “Stop!”

Dean continued to beat Sam until his face was red and bloody. He groaned and felt blood trickle out of his mouth. Dean laughed, cold and cruel, and brought his fist into Sam’s stomach.

“STOP.” Dean froze and both boys turned. Cas was standing in the archway, the lights casting shadows across his tear stained face. The silver blade was in his right hand, held steadily over his left wrist, even though his hands were shaking. He looked stronger then Sam had ever remembered.

Dean loosened his hold on Sam, letting him slide to the floor. “Cas…” He said slowly. “Put down the knife, love.”

Cas whimpered and blinked hard a few times. “You…aren’t here. None of this is true. It’s all inside my head.”

Dean looked angry for a second before his eyes flashed with pain. When he spoke, his voice was strangled. “It may be inside your head but…that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Come on, Castiel. This is better then anything you ever had.”

“W-What?”

“I mean, here we’re protected. You don’t have to choose my safety over yours anymore. We can create our own future, one without demons, or devils, or evil. We can have a family, Cas, a real family. We can watch Sam be happy…maybe see him get married. It’ll be like Heaven.” 

Cas shook his head. “But…the djinn’s spell. I’ll die in a few days.”

Dean half smiled and Sam saw a single tear roll down his face. “I can make it feel like a lifetime. No more penance or sins or fear…just comfort and acceptance. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? You don’t need to be powerful…you just need them to accept you. And I do. I always will, Cas.”

Dean took another step closer and Cas raised the knife to his heart. “It isn’t your job to be the sacrifice anymore. Haven’t you done enough for them? Why is it your job to take care of them all the time?”

“I’m their angel.” The sentence was so small, suspended in the air like smoke. Castiel looked at Dean, his eyes wet and blue, and grimaced. “I’m so sorry, Dean. But the real you is worth dying for.”

“NO!” Dean screamed as Castiel plunged the knife into his chest, staining his shirt red as the replica of Sam’s brother screamed in agony. Then, Sam woke up.

****

Sam stirred to a pounding headache. He sat up and groaned, running his hands over his eyes. 

“Jesus, Sammy. You look like hell. Are you alright?” Dean’s face hovered in his peripheral vision, swimming in and out as Sam’s stomach lurched.

“I’m f-fine. Is Cas…?” Dean’s eyes narrowed. Before Sam could push further, Cas sat up with a start, sucking in air like he was suffocating. The Winchesters watched him for a minute with bated breath till he turned his blue eyes on them. They flared at Dean’s face, red and bleary.

It was quiet for few seconds. Cas ran a hand trough his hair. “I seem to be alright.” Dean stiffened at his words.

“Alright? You’re alright?” He stood and towered over Castiel. “Well thank the fucking Lord, Castiel’s alright! You hear that, Sammy? The ex-angel of the Lord is just splendid.”

Dean…” Sam warned, but Dean was just getting started.

“For fuck’s sake, Cas, what the hell were you thinking? Going off on your own like that nearly got all three of us killed. We took you on this hunt cause we thought you were ready but clearly you are still just as much of a naïve, selfish, god damn stupid toddler you always were.”

Cas’ eyes flashed with anger. “Selfish? Dean Winchester, don’t you dare call me selfish.” Cas heaved himself up from the floor, matching his height with Dean’s. “I ripped myself away from heaven for you and your brother.”

Dean shook his head, but Sam understood what Castiel meant. He had left paradise behind in exchange for this. Sam panicked suddenly. What if he had been wrong? What if that dream really was were Castiel belonged?

“Shut the fuck up, Castiel.” Anger leaked out of Dean’s every syllable. “Nobody cares that you’re broken.”

Cas dropped his eyes to the floor, defeated and tired.

****

The drive back to the bunker was slow and awkward. Dean played Led Zeppelin quietly and Cas eventually fell asleep, after about an hour he was snoring in the backseat. Dean peered at him through the review mirror.

“So what was it like?”

Sam ripped his eyes away from the sunset to look at his older brother. “What was what like?”

Dean shrugged. “Angel boy’s paradise. If I remember the djinn correctly, everyone’s is different.”

Sam nodded and was quiet for a moment. Dean looked over at him expectantly. “It was, uh, unexpected.” 

His eyebrows went up. “Unexpected? What was it like an orgy or something? I thought it’d be Heaven’s battleground shoving a knife into Michael’s stupid face.”

Sam blinked a few times. “No…actually it was pretty simple. More domestic then I thought it would be.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Details, little brother.”

“It was him…but he was in love.” The sentence hung awkwardly in the air, filling the car with strange silence despite the radio.

“Oh.” Dean looked uncomfortable and he didn’t press any further. Sam noticed his knuckles clenched the steering wheel just a bit tighter after that.

****

Castiel ran away a few weeks later. One day, Sam got out of bed and stumbled to the kitchen only to find Dean pacing the floor, dialing and redialing a number on his cell.

“What’s going on?”

Dean tossed his phone onto the table and rubbed his face. “Cas is gone, he left. He wrote this.” He pushed a scrap of paper toward Sam and continued to pace. “He must have just walked out in the middle of the night, fucking coward.”

Sam grabbed the paper and scanned a few lines. It didn’t say much. Just that he was tired and burdened and had to get out. He signed it Castiel Novak. Sam looked up. Dean was dialing again.

“Bastard even turned his phone off.” There was the click of the dial tone. Dean’s phone smashed against the wall.

****

There was no sign of Cas. He covered his tracks well. It seemed whenever the boys came close he slipped from underneath their fingers. A few times, he texted Sam but they were short and clipped, only explaining that he was fine and that nothing was wrong.

One day, a few months after the djinn incident, Sam got a much longer message.

Castiel: Hello, Sam. I am writing you this from Minneapolis. There have been a lot of changes recently, and I thought you would like to know that I have restored my angelic grace to the full extent. There is a female angel named Hannah who is helping me restore heaven to its former glory. I hope you and your brother are doing well. –Castiel

Sam raced down the hallway to Dean’s room. He had been closed off these past few weeks, a bit more moody and on edge. Sam was sure he would want to hear about this. He stumbled into his brother’s room and immediately cringed at the smell.

Jack Daniels. Dean had spilled it on himself in his haste to get the liquid down his throat.

“Jesus, Dean.”

Dean laid half on the bed, his eyes bloodshot and teary. He was cradling the bottle in his arms.

“D-Do you think he lef’ cause of me?”

“What?” Sam sat on the edge of the bed.

“Cas…do you think he’s g-gone cause I yelled at him? I didn’t mean to fuck up his feelins’” Sam winced.

He shifted closer to his older brother, his heart beating steadily. “Why do you care if it’s your fault?” Dean’s eyes were fluttering closed. Sam took the bottle from his lose grasp and placed it on the bedside table. He pulled the blankets around his brother’s slumped body.

Dean’s answer slipped out as he fell back into sleep, but it stilled Sam’s heart all the same.

“Cas…it’s always been Cas…”

Sam backed away from Dean’s sleeping form till his back pressed against the wall. He felt himself smile slightly, he couldn’t help it.

He slinked back into the kitchen, pacing back and forth before grabbing his jacket and opening the bunker’s door. Once he was out into the frigid winter air, he started to pray.

“Cas? Uh, it’s Sam. I need your help…you know I wouldn’t call if I wasn’t desperate. Dean isn’t here…he’s sleeping it’s just me and-“

“Sam.” He turned at the sound of Cas’ voice. He looked different, decked out in black suit pants with a matching jacket and a white button up. He was wearing a trench coat again but it was different one, smaller, hugged closer to his body. His eyes were dark and powerful again. “I don’t have much time. What is it you need?”

Sam opened and closed his mouth a few times before swallowing hard. In two steps he was there, pulling Cas into a tight hug. Cas returned, slightly awkward, and the two men embraced for a moment. When he pulled back, Cas’ face wasn’t so stoic.

“I missed you, man.”

Cas nodded. “I’ve missed you as well.”

Sam nodded, smiling slightly. “Do you want to come inside? It’s kind of freezing…” He trailed off at Castiel’s expression.

“You called me here for a reason, Sam. What is it?”

Sam glanced back towards the bunker and dropped his voice. “It’s Dean. He’s fifty shades of fucked up, man, he…he misses you.”

Cas tilted his head, squinting slightly. “Have you not told him I am alright?” Sam looked at the ground. “Ah. I see. Well, Sam, I do not know what you wished to gleam from this. You know I love your brother but…” He stilled suddenly, his eyes shutting.

“Cas? What’s going on?” Castiel grimaced and opened his eyes.

“I apologize. It seems Hannah is in trouble and needs my help. If you will excuse me, I must return to her at once.” He looked distressed. Sam just nodded.

“Yeah, I, uh, I understand. Don’t worry about it. Just…call soon, okay?”

Cas nodded, his eyes glistening. He stepped away and Sam heard a flapping noise. Cas looked at the ground.

“You know, Sam, you probably asked yourself why in that paradise I was human. Why I wasn’t an angel?” He looked up, as if he was looking right into Cas’ soul. “I would have enjoyed being human if I could’ve spent it with Dean.” 

And just like that, he was gone.

****

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungover in my life.” Dean groaned, throwing himself down into an armchair by the library. Sam handed him a glass of orange juice and sat down in the one opposite him.

“Serves you right, drinking all the good Jack Daniels.” Dean grinned and looked a little nauseous at the mention of alcohol.

Dean sipped his orange juice while he scanned newspapers for cases. He was in a big bulky sweater that nearly swallowed him whole. Sam twisted his hands together.

“Dean…I talked to Cas yesterday. He came to the bunker while you were asleep.” Dean choked, coughing into his lap before looking at Sam through narrow, watery eyes.

“What the hell? Why didn’t you wake me up? How did he get here?”

Sam put his hands up. “You were comatose, man, and, well, he didn’t really drive.” At Dean’s glare Sam continued, “He flew. He…he’s an angel again.”

“What the-“

“That’s not all.” Sam interrupted. “I know why he ran away. And I think…I think you need to know the truth.”

****

“It was me?” Dean stared at him. “His paradise…his perfect future was me?”

Sam nodded, holding his tongue as his brother worked through it in his head.

Dean set his glass on the floor and allowed himself to put his forehead in his hands. “So when he woke up and I screamed at him…that’s why it crushed him so bad. He had just played house with me for weeks.” Dean swallowed. “He abandoned all that so we wouldn’t be alone. And I fucked him over for it.”

“Dean-“

“No wonder he hates me. He thinks I don’t love him back…he thinks that it was all pretend. Unbelievable. This whole time I thought he was a bastard for running away and in truth it was me.”

“Dean.”

“And now he’s an angel again and I wasn’t even there to congratulate him and I-“

“DEAN!” Dean jumped with a start, looking at Sam, his eyes wide. “Telling me this isn’t going to solve anything. He loves you. Go tell him.” Dean’s eyes flared with panic. “Now or never, Dean. It’s your choice.”

****

Dean sat on the bed of his bed, running the covers between his knuckles. He didn’t even know where to begin.

“Uh…Castiel? You got your ears on? Breaker! Breaker?”

No response. He tried something else.

“Listen, this is dumb. I can explain everything…I can tell you how I feel. I can help you fix this if you’ll let me because you don’t leave people you love and, yes, I love you. I have for a long, long time and if you would just come down here and face me we can figure this out. Haven’t you ever had the awkward relationship talk before?” He paused. “No, of course you haven’t, how could you? I just…”

He trailed off, cutting his ramblings short. Drawing in a deep breath, he began to sing, quietly a first…then louder.

“…Stars twinkle bright above you…night breezes seem to whisper I love you…birds singing in the sycamore trees…dream a little dream of me…”

He waited. Silence filled the room.

“…Say night-y night and kiss me…just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me…when I’m alone and blue as can be…dream a little dream of me…”

There was the flap of wings from behind him. Dean was too afraid to turn around, too scared to get his hopes up.

He turned slowly and drew in a sharp breath.

Jade eyes met blue...

“Hello, Dean.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was based off a tumblr post someone made, i hope you all enjoy! Please let me know what you think in comments/kudos


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